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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004886">trusting</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_nerd_youre_looking_for/pseuds/the_nerd_youre_looking_for'>the_nerd_youre_looking_for</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Male-Female Friendship, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Pre-Canon, References to Depression, Tim needs a hug, Vomiting, not too graphic it just happens, tim tells sasha abt danny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:07:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_nerd_youre_looking_for/pseuds/the_nerd_youre_looking_for</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim shouldn't have come into work today. He was getting in one of his moods that morning and it only got worse throughout the day. But he thought he could tough it out, make it through the day and then call in sick tomorrow. </p><p>That was before he had to look into a circus statement</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sasha James &amp; Tim Stoker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>trusting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I see uh an amount of content w/tim telling sasha abt the danny thing after they boned which i felt is an awkward situation to do that in</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tim knew he shouldn't have come into work today.</p><p>He knew he was getting into one of his "moods" when he sat in his shower and just let the water pour over him for half an hour that morning. It got worse throughout the morning. Things like not stopping at the corner cafe for a quick breakfast or staring out the window on the tube ride to work instead of putting on his music and doing the crossword. But it could've just been one of those days, Tim thought, where the morning sucked but it got a little better later on. He thought he might be able to tough through the day and call in sick tomorrow if he needed to. It would be fine, he thought. </p><p>Life, however, decided to fuck him over again. </p><p>"What's good, Jonny boy!" Tim called out to the only person in Research at the moment. Tim liked to get in early himself, but Jon was something else entirely. Despite his supposed disbelief in anything supernatural, he threw himself into his work like a man possessed. They'd started around the same time, and Tim needed someone to make sure no one else tried to buddy up with him, so he latched onto Jon, the world's prickliest person. He ended up being something of a real friend to Jon anyway and had warmed up to the others in the department fast enough. Curses upon his extroversion and natural charm. </p><p>"Not much, Timothy." Jon barely glanced up from his papers. "I've got a spider case. Disgusting little freaks of nature." </p><p>Tim draped himself over Jon's chair and skimmed over the papers. Something about a shit ton of spider. "Aw, yuck." He said. "You get breakfast today?" You had to ask these things, with Jon. The guy would go a full day without eating and not even notice. One of them had to have their shit together, mildly speaking. </p><p>Jon shrugged. "No, you?" </p><p>"Not today. We can grab lunch together, how 'bout it? Make it a date and everything." Tim made himself smile, even though Jon wasn't going to see it. </p><p>Jon let out a quiet laugh. "Well, I can't say much about a date but lunch sounds nice." </p><p>"Alright! A date it is." But he's wondering if he'll want to eat lunch today. It's hit or miss with these mornings, and he isn't sure exactly what he'll be up for later on. But having Jon remind him about it might help, so he doesn't say anything. </p><p>Eventually, Jon pushes Tim away and insists that they both get on with their work, as if a minute spent talking with a friend would severely slow down any progress he'd be making. But that's just how Jon is sometimes, and so Tim goes to his desk without much complaint. Sasha comes in a bit later and says good morning to the both of them before settling into her desk. Tim knows she'll chat with them both throughout the day, and usually he looks forward to it. But today it just seems tiring.  </p><p>"Alright boys, what's on the agenda today?" Sasha asked, predictably, once she'd gotten fully settled in. "First on the pile is...statement of one George Carson regarding an alien abduction!" She cheered. </p><p>"I've got Carla Harris, about a lot of spiders in her basement." Jon shuddered. "I'll bet she just needs to clean it out." </p><p>Tim nodded, agreeing with Jon's assessment for once. He shuffled through his own papers and picked one out at random. "Oh, another aliens one. Kaylee Green, but her brother got abducted and replaced by aliens for a month." He managed a short huff of laughter, though he could tell the conversation was already wearing him out. It was going to be One Of Those Days, then, and Tim mildly regretted not calling out sick when he had the chance.</p><p>He could make it through today, he told himself, Jon and Sasha's chatter fading to background noise.</p><p>He'd be alright, he told himself as the words on the page started to blur together.</p><p>Today would be fine, he told himself, spending five minutes working up the energy to make a phone call. </p><p>(Today would not be fine, the little voice in the back of his head whispered)</p><p> </p><p>_____</p><p> </p><p>Things had actually been going fairly decently for Tim, despite it being One Of Those Days. He'd made it through follow up on two statements, which might not be as many as he can usually get through before lunch, but it's a good amount for today. He'd been able to manage his general lack of Fun Tim Energy so that he only got a couple of weird looks from Jon and Sasha. Going to get lunch with Jon at Subway was even nice. Jon was generally not one for talking or he would info-obliterate you on whatever it was this time, and thankfully for Tim, Jon was in a talkative mood. So, he didn't have to say anything while he ate his mediocre sandwich and listened to Jon talk about ocean ecosystems. It was actually pretty interesting, so that perked Tim's mood up a bit when they got back to work. He had really thought he could get lucky and make it through the day. </p><p>Unfortunately for Tim, his luck was shit. And on his desk, there was a circus statement. </p><p>Statement of Kelly Brown. Regarding a clown that <strike>stole replaced ate?? </strike>took her sister.</p><p>Tim could feel his hands shaking as he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. He was going to read it, he knew that. It'd not even been a year yet since Danny died, he wasn't going to give up on understanding just what the hell had happened to him this quickly. And even though he'd requested to look into any statements about the circus, they always hit a little too close to home. This one would, probably. But it probably wasn't going to get any easier if he put it off.</p><p>He lets out his breath slowly and opens his eyes, rubbing at them slightly. Sasha is giving him one of her Concerned Sash looks and mouths 'you ok?' at him. Tim just flashes her a quick smile and a thumbs-up, and starts on the statement.</p><p>
  <em>"I'm not really sure what happened, honestly..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We were both young at the time, I was 15 and she was 13..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"....but the people in the circus didn't look real..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"....looked like a cartoon clown came off the screen and into real life."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know what happened to her but from her screams, it was painful..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...it's like the circus never came..."</em>
</p><p>Tim is just about finished with it when he notices water droplets falling on the paper (which wasn't good, probably, if there's a leak), and then he realized that it was tears. And it took about five seconds too long for him to realize that <em>he </em>was the one crying and that, by now, Jon and Sasha were giving him some fairly Concerned Friend looks. He went to take his usual deep breaths and found that his chest felt too tight to take in any air. </p><p>"Bathroom break." He managed to choke out, standing up way too fast and fleeing out of the room. He absolutely could not explain everything right now, not during One Of Those Days. Not to Jon who probably wouldn't even believe it, and not to Sasha who would try to psychoanalyze him or something. And he didn't want either of them thinking he was...what? Weak? Having emotions? Depressed? All of the above? He didn't think he could really get deep into that at the moment, so he stuck a pin in it and kept it as "I don't want people seeing me like this because reasons". </p><p>Unfortunately, he does not make it to the bathroom. Some ways down the hall, the whole "shortness of breath" part of panic attacks started making him a bit lightheaded, so he decided to sit. Didn't want to fall and concuss himself, which would be the cherry on top of an already shit day. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the wall and focused on not throwing up. He was fine, he told himself, he'd done this before. Trying to get air in was difficult, but he at least made an effort to not hyperventilate. He'd be fine. All Tim had to do was not throw up and not think about Danny or the Covent Garden Theater or <em>Grimaldi</em>. He'd be fine. </p><p>As it turns out, coming up with excuses to give his friends when he does eventually have to go back actually helps a little, gives him something else to think of. It's been a few minutes now and, unfortunately, he's going to have to go back and face them again. Tim is just coming up with a story about a broken faucet when he hears footsteps coming his way.</p><p>"Tim! Here you are." Sasha's voice rings out and her footsteps quicken until she's standing next to him. "Jon and I were getting worried, it's been like...five minutes. What's up?"</p><p>"The ceiling." Tim opened his eyes, squinting as he adjusted to the lights again. He kept his gaze leveled at the ceiling, even when he heard Sasha sit beside him. "I'm fine, don't worry."</p><p>"Oh, don't you pull that with me, Mr. Timtam Stoker." Sasha bumped his shoulder with hers. "Something is obviously upsetting you. Let me help, alright? That's what friends <em>do.</em>" </p><p>And Tim <em>knew </em>that, he knew that if it were Sasha or Jon who'd run out to have a panic attack, he'd do the exact same thing Sasha was doing with him right now. He'd want to help and he'd sit there until he was told what he could do. He <em>knew </em>that's what friends do, but that's what <em>he </em>did. It was different when it was him who was being told somebody was there for him.</p><p>He was Timothy Stoker, and he was fun and he went for drinks with his friends and he playfully flirted with them a little (if they were ok with it, of course, he would never) and he referenced memes and changed the group chat nickname to sometimes stupid and he was always there for them. He didn't go and have panic attacks in the hallway because he got hit by a bad depressive episode out of nowhere. That wasn't how he wanted anyone to see him. </p><p>But it was Sasha. And he trusted her and knew she'd sit here all day with him out of stubbornness. </p><p>"It's nothing, just...having a bad day, mentally, and I got one of the circus statements and...I don't know. Long story short, wasn't good for me today." He sighed, risking a look over at Sasha. She was looking at him through her glasses, with her I'm Figuring Shit Out look on. Tim would've protested against it, saying that he wasn't up to being a puzzle right now, but he just felt...tired. </p><p>"You usually like the circus ones, I thought." Sasha said. "I mean...you did request to take them on. So I just thought...was that not it?" </p><p>And there it was. "Look, it's a...long story, really. I don't know if you want to get into it. Plus you'd think I'm nuts." He tried for a smile, but it definitely came out wrong because it just made Sasha look at him a little sadly. </p><p>"I already think you're nuts." She shrugged, smiling a proper smile that didn't make Tim look at her a little sadly. "Look, if you want to tell me, I'm all ears. Plus, we work at Ghost Stories Incorporated, it can't be <em>that </em>unbelievable." </p><p>"I might surprise you." Tim shrugged. "But...yeah, I guess." If he had to tell anybody about what happened to Danny, he'd probably have picked a supernaturally-experienced therapist first. But Sasha was a close second. "Well, it's...it happened a few months ago. To my little brother Danny."</p><p>"I didn't know you had a brother."</p><p>"Uh...not anymore." He chuckled weakly, hoping to make a little light of the situation. Clearly, he didn't succeed so he carried on. "So, yeah. Few months ago, he got really into urban exploration. He was always sort of jumping around interests, and this was one of the more illegal ones, but he liked it so I was for it. Anyway, one day he wanted to go down under the Royal Opera House, apparently there's some old theater under it. I told him I didn't want him going and that if I had to bail him out of prison I was gonna ground him or something, but...well, that's Danny for you. Once he gets an idea in his head, you can't get it out. So, he stayed at mine that night and went off to break and enter into an old theater." </p><p>"Was he a lot younger than you?" Sasha asked, seemingly out of genuine curiosity. </p><p>Tim shook his head. "No, just a couple years younger." He swallowed around the growing lump in his throat and made himself continue. "Anyway. He did that, I waited up for him a bit before just going to bed. I woke up pretty early that morning, and he was there. I asked him how it was, if he'd seen anything cool, but...he was crying. And he'd never...so I felt sort of out of my depth, but I did what I could. He said something I didn't get, besides the name Joey. I...I made him go to sleep and then when I knew he was sleeping, I did too. And when I woke up again, he was gone, and..." He could feel bile rising in his throat, feel the churn of nausea in his gut. "Oh, fuck." He stood up like a shot and ran off to the bathrooms. Tim distantly heard Sasha following him, but he was using most of his brain to focus on keeping it in until he made it to a toilet. </p><p>As it turns out, he didn't. Tim made it into the men's bathroom before his lunch decided to make a reappearance in the trash can. It was mostly dry heaving, which was marginally better than actual puking. Thankfully, thankfully, it was empty and he heard Sasha lock the door behind her. She rubbed soothing circles on his back while he finished up retching. Tim felt shaky, dirty, and pathetic. It was a fucking miracle he didn't start crying again, even though he wanted to. He pulled down some paper towels, once he figured he was finished, and scrubbed his face down. It wasn't the best feeling, but it helped ground him a little. </p><p>"Here, let's sit again." Sasha had seated herself against the door and patted the spot next to her. Tim sat and she wrapped an arm around him. "You don't have to finish the story. That's fine."</p><p>He sat with that for a moment. It wasn't exactly his greatest memory, and reliving it was never good. But...it felt good to get it off his chest, to be able to tell someone what actually happened to Danny. It was bad enough coming up with a story his family would believe, but it was different at work. In his old publishing firm, everyone knew Danny, or at least knew about him. They had a handful of mutual friends there and every so often he'd come up in some funny story or other Tim was telling his coworkers. Here, Danny didn't exist. And he <em>couldn't </em>because then that would lead to the whole story. Either the one his family got or the real one, and both hurt. </p><p>But it was nice to let him be real, here, with someone. So he shook his head. "No, it's fine. I'll wrap it up.</p><p>"But...yeah, that night was the last time I saw him. I woke up, he was gone, and there were these freaky pictures of this clown. And his notes on how he got into the old theater, so...well, I knew I was going after him. Not sure how I knew he went back, just...lucky guess. The old theater under the Opera House, it's actually pretty well-kept up. I'm not sure if it's like that <em>really, </em>but...when I went, it was all made of stone. There was even a stone audience. It was dark, and my flashlight just barely showed that Danny was on the stage. I called out to him, and the whole place lit up. I don't know...how, it just felt like I'd done something awful. And that clown from his pictures, it was onstage with him and slowly crawled toward him. I'm not sure it actually <em>was </em>Danny, or maybe it was something that looked like him. Whatever it was, when the clown got to him, it looked right at me and just...ripped the skin off whatever the hell was up there." He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, forcing himself to not get sick again. "Hard to describe what was under there. It was a dancer but...more like colors and light than an actual person. And then I was outside the Royal Opera House, with an ad for Joseph Grimaldi's next show." </p><p>And then he let himself cry. Tim would've been embarrassed by it, all gross gasping sobs, but Sasha pulled him in for a proper hug and things felt pretty alright. She didn't say anything, just held him tight and hummed a little tune while he made work of wrecking her shirt. </p><p>"Thanks. Sorry." Tim sniffed, after a few minutes passed. Neither he or Sasha made any move to pull away, so he stayed put. "Lovely shirt, sorry I wrecked it."</p><p>"Aw, don't worry about it." He could hear her smile. "You feel any better?" </p><p>"Um, yeah. A bit, thanks." Tim still definitely felt like shit, but it was better. It was good to talk about things. </p><p>"Right. Here's the rules." Sasha pulled back far enough that she could look Tim in the eyes. "You're taking the rest of today off. If a panic attack isn't enough for them, you also threw up. And you're taking tomorrow off, and you're staying home till you feel better. Jon or I will check up on you. If you come into work and you aren't doing well, we'll gang up on you and drag you back. Deal?"</p><p>Tim snorted and wiped a few stray tears from his cheeks. "I have a feeling I have no choice in this." </p><p>"Correct."</p><p>"Then fine, I'll be on my way out." He smiled at her. "And I don't think Jon has any right to lecture me on healthy lifestyle."</p><p>"Yeah, honestly, he's just as-oh, shit we've been out a while." Sasha takes a quick glance at her watch. "Uh...what do you want to tell Jon?" </p><p>"Tell him we hooked up in the supply closet." </p><p>"Unrealistic, I have high standards." Sasha laughed. "But seriously, I won't say anything you don't want me to." </p><p>"Hm." Tim thought about it for a moment. A warm glow lit up his chest, the realization that Sasha did actually care about him dawning on him for the first time during this experience. "You can tell him the gist of it, just, uh...not the Danny stuff. He'd think I've lost it."</p><p>"Right you are." Sasha stands, offering a hand to help Tim up. "I bet he'd start trying to psychoanalyze you." </p><p>Tim took Sasha's hand and pulled himself up. "You...you believe me, then? About the whole thing?" A knot of anxiety twists in his stomach. The possibility that <em>she</em> might think he's lost it had been a faint worry before, but now it was the only thing he could think about. He <em>knew </em>what he saw and he <em>knew </em>it was real. No evidence, no witnesses, nothing to back him up but he knew what happened. Tim didn't think he could stand it if Sasha thought he'd made it up.</p><p>"Of course I do." Sasha said with a little shrug. "You wouldn't lie about something like this. Now come on, you go right back to yours." She unlocked the bathroom door and held it open, making a dramatic sweeping gesture with her free arm. </p><p>"Right-o, ma'am." Tim let out a sigh of relief. He gave her a little salute as he passed. "Thanks again. You are...really great."</p><p>Sasha shrugged again, looping her arm through his. "I am, aren't I?" She teased. "But seriously, whenever you need me, I'll be there. Jon too, he cares in his frumpy little ways." </p><p>Once she says that, Tim knows that it's true, the same way he knows the sky is blue. He cares about Sasha and Jon and they care for him right back, and they'll be there for him. It seems like an obvious fact. Of course, he can't be sure he'll <em>actually </em>go to them next time he's having One Of Those Days. Knowing that they care about him and not wanting to be a burden are two different things.</p><p>But right there, Tim tells himself that he's going to at least try to rely on them. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>give tim a hug 2020</p></blockquote></div></div>
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